I took a walk tonight

Summer has started.  I’ve graduated from my University and am living in the area for the next year.  I’ve got a job, and while it’s not exactly my ideal post-graduation job, it’s certainly good to have a job at all.  It is somewhat related to what I want to do… kinda.  As of yet, the relation is small, but hopefully it will get better as time goes by.  Right now, I get to do a lot of copy and paste and reformat and post.  Not that exciting of stuff.  I’m learning more about website management though, which is good.  But I wish I got to learn more of the background workings of this website than I do.  It’s possibly still in the future of this job.  I get to work on training materials tomorrow, which should be good. I’ve been thinking more about whether I would like teaching or not.  It’s a lot more money to get another degree, but it would be worth it if I decided I like teaching.  I like tutoring, I like lab teaching, I like helping people with things I already know how to do.  I genuinely enjoy it.  I also like programming.

I have a great desire to understand people.  I think it’s because I’m missing some innate ability to completely understand the social realm around me sometimes.  I might not really be, but I just find it hard to make friends sometimes.  I don’t want to have a career in it that way though, because it’s hard for me to understand how to relate to people.  I did always want to help people, but I can’t help others until I help myself.  Not to be selfish about it, but I can’t effectively help others until I am okay with myself.

Regardless, on my walk today I tried to think and talk to God.  I went to church yesterday with some friends and it was a very good sermon.  I think I was in a mood to try to hear, which was good.  I’m still not sure what I feel, or if something has changed or not.  I’m trying to make that choice though, the choice to ask for help from God.  That’s what the pastor said, that we carry around baggage and refuse to give it up.  That we have to make the choice to ask for help from Christ, not from anyone else.  Because the help can only come from Christ.  This hurts, because I’ve never been able to stop trying to look for help from others.  I’ve tried asking for help from Christ before, I’ve tried to give it all up.  I don’t know why I’ve failed.  I mean, I suppose I probably do.  I could never give up my anger over my old youth group, over my mother and a sometimes broken relationship with my parents.  My family always seems to think everything is great and perfect religiously, and it angered me so much that I didn’t feel I could ever talk to them.  And they judge harshly.  And I’ve grown up in that and I do it to.  I need to learn to let things go.

I need to learn that boys can’t solve everything.  That wanting a boy, finding a boy, doesn’t mean that life is perfect.  I need to focus on my life, on making things okay for me.  I need to focus on figuring out where my life is going.  Then I can see where a boy fits in.  And that’s another hard thing, I want to figure out where my life is going, but that’s not for me to decide?  But isn’t it?  I don’t understand all the things that I’ve been taught about God.  I don’t understand how free will for our own lives fits together with making a choice for where our future is going.  I still don’t understand, but I’m going to go back to trying.