Doubt Pursued

I had a conversation with two friends the other day.  The only two Christian friends who know I’m lost.  They are getting married this year.  They are good friends, but they’ve both known that I struggle with Christianity for two years.  It’s hard when they know and that has changed our friendships, but it hasn’t solved anything.  I thought that finally telling someone would change something, would make something better.  I thought maybe finally someone would know I needed help and would know how to help me.  It helps a bit knowing that at least someone knows, but it doesn’t help as much as I’d like it too.  I still cry about it alone sometimes.  I don’t go to either of them when I’m having a hard time.  They barely ask anymore, how I’m doing.  And it’s not their responsibility, but sometimes it still hurts.  I shared this big dark secret of mine, yet it’s like nothing happened.  Or is it?  I don’t know.

I’ve been struggling with this odd concept of having been raised a Christian, and yet finally having to admit that I disbelieve it all so much that I can’t handle hearing about it anymore.  I picked a small Christian University for school because I don’t want to disbelieve.  I want to be a Christian, I just can’t reconcile what they believe, I can’t accept it and I can’t accept them.  I have doubts that I can’t stop.  I can’t even name them anymore.  I’ve given up.  To some extent at least.  I’ve stopped going to Chapel nearly entirely.  It’s three times a week here, voluntary but expected, I wouldn’t have chosen a school that required it and monitored that attendance.  I lived a life of required church for 18 years, why would I then choose to do that for another 4?  Oops, I suppose I did kind of do that regardless.  I’ve not gone to church voluntarily the entire year except the very first Sunday and whenever I’m with my family on vacations and thus have to go.  They know nothing about how I feel.  They don’t ask.  That bothers me as much as anything.  Not that I want to make it harder on myself to hide it from them, but they don’t ask about my faith at all?

I looked around the Internet today because of my short conversation with my friends about still being lost.  I don’t believe, but I wish I did.  It’s make everything simpler.  I found this blog today.  It should be interesting to look through.  I don’t have time today to go through as much as I’d like, but maybe it’ll be helpful.  This guy’s site also looks interesting and potentially helpful.